Memorial Day

Fellow blogger Shai, at Drawn 2 Words, listed out loved ones that she is holding dear this Memorial day. I had tried to avoid it, but reading her site brought back so many memories. So this Memorial Day, I am going to hold a few family members close:

1. David. My dear dear grandfather. How I loved this man. He was the first person to give me complete regularity, complete calm in day to day normalness. Wash the towels every day, wake up at the crack of dawn, do the same exercise routine, 1/2 grapefruit, sliced toast, two raw eggs with a dash of cinnamon. Every day. I don't think his children had the benefit of the retired David, they knew the younger him. Depending on who you ask he was a hell raiser or a great person. But for me, he was my absolute baseline. He and I had a comfortable unspoken bond. The nurses aide told me that before he died he would point to the picture on the wall, me at 6 - the spitting image of my oldest daughter- and say - "that one there, that's my baby girl." And you know that Grandpa, I love you forever.

2. Annie. Annie Ophelia was as sweet as sugar. Soft spoken, always worrying, she would speak in such a light sweet voice. Her skin was as soft as velvet, her patience neverending. She only disciplined me once in life, and that was the saddest moment of my life. I felt so ashamed. AN only child who mothered 9, I inadvertently seemed to have followed into her parenting path (I don't have nine, but I have alot). I thank you Grandma, for all the love - pure, unconditional. For all the support. And I am so sorry for how you were treated in the end and for how much heartache you had to suffer.

3. Joseph. How can you be gone? How is that possible. Your ending was almost biblical, walking into a church - just gone, your empty frame lying on the steps. I am still devastated. Still try not to think about it,actually. Still remember you with your fro in cornrows, the electric guitar plugged into the wall, play the Funk along with the stereo. My last visit you confided in me, told me your hurts and regrets that will forever break my heart, but will forever remain between us. I miss you so much...

4. Teddy. It's odd that you passed away so long ago, and I am still confused that you are gone, that I haven't seen you in years, that someone so genuine would disappear so mysteriously. Uncle Jo and I talked about you when I last spoke to him. About the changes in your life that caused him to change. You were always so kind to me, and I never understood why. Anytime I was in town you would come get me, talk me all the way to the family house. I was so amazed at what you had accomplished and the life you led. We all looked up to you. Things have changed, the family is no longer the same. I am not as welcome anymore. Because of my own separation I attempted to reach out, and my intent was distorted, manipulated, negatively perceived. And I lost the easy bond that I had with your brothers, your family. But I still love them much, and I will always think of you...

5. Carolyn. For you, I probably shed the most tears. What a rare circumstance, what a rare life, what a rare opportunity to float along with a star before it exploded into infinity. It is unfair that you are not here, to see these wonderful grandchildren of yours. Your three children produced an amazing set of kids, your family has tripled itself. And there are pieces of you that my girls needed to see, needed to learn from someone who truly understood people and gave everyone a second chance, without judgement. I thought I had forever to be with you, fuss with you, pout around you, ask your advice, sit quietly and watch you. But the truth was, I only had a infinitesimal second. I miss you...

6. Kathy. I still can't deal with your death. I started to call you so many times this year, tell you something funny, or tell you about your nephew and your brothers. Midway through dialing I remembered, and my heart felt like it exploded. In fact, I was going to call you this past weekend to see if the girls could go to the beach with you again this summer, but then again, the realization clicked in, and my heart tore in two. Why are you gone?

So many death, so many others that I didn't list here. I will take time to remember them on this Memorial Day, and to thank God for each second of them, i was able to savor...

Nothin Much

Ok - New writing goal. Actually start posting chapter work again. I keep falling asleep at the computer - incredibly frustratin. I haven't been sleeping, because I don't have time, but my body has started to short circuit. Meaning whenever I stop moving, I literally pass out.

So anyway, I don't have any real insights today. Four graduation parties to attend, six gifts to give out. Today I received three invites, which is really a wonderful thing. That someone wants my family to participate in that celebration is very special, because in this cold world it is rare to find someone willing to let you in the life of them and their children. And that is something that should be cherished and recognized. ANd they all have fantastic kids - I mean really. They do normalsilly teenager stuff, but the blessing is that they don't cross the line. They understand that there is a life for them, an expectation on them, that their success means alot.

On another note - my short story - Mikki's Anniversary- in If it Aint One thing,
received a very kind review. I am going to post it at the website so please check it out.

Senior Summer

DO you remember the summer after you graduated from highschool? My son's friends are movin on this year and, in the course of talkin to them, I remembered my senior summer. Summer of first intimacy, house parties, boyfriends, freedom, soon to be luv, straight up lust, dj's and b-boys....It was incredible. Back when movies reflected life, instead of defining it, we had house parties every weekend. EVERY WEEKEND. so funny to watch house party the movie, cuz that was our summer, although we were house partying way before those movies came out.

Anyway, my boyfriend was the DJ. A coupla folks would get together 3-400 dollars, push all the couches against the wall, move tables to the basement, make sure the folks was somewhere else, and it was on. I mean ON. Dancing in the living room and dining room like we were in a club. Dancing in front of the DJ table to try to catch my man's eye. Dancing with other guys - to try to catch my man's eye. (smile) Flirting fun.

I think it was my first summer of self acceptance, of releasing fear and just enjoying the moment. I knew my friends and I would never be together like that again. Instinctively, I knew that it was the last time we could live it up like that. And I beat the sadness down until well into college, when I could no longer deny that life changes, whether you want it to or not. And life long friends from elementary school were no longer my social anchor.

A summer of sexual exploration too. Oh well, I might as well be honest, damnit. Mind you, it was still the 90's, so we were not freakin like these lil mamma's now adays. Some stuff still was off limits. But kissing in the rain, driving to the park, holding hands, slow grindin and deep intimacy - it was the first summer of all that. Funny now, how innocent it all was. I felt so guilty at the time, in and out of church, trying to pray through guilt, cuz I wasn't giving it up (smile). Now, lookin back, it was the most natural thing in the world, the sweetest love, the purest intimacies.

What a summer....

Mother's Day Lament

Happy Mother's Day to all the parenting people in the world today. It was an interesting day. We were invited to a cookout and I was going back and forth with our host over owning a dog. We owned a Doberman but had to give him away once our daughter was born. He never tried to harm her, it was just that we couldn't make time for him. Thinking back on it made me realize how much commitment and parenting changes our lives. We COULD HAVE made the change for our dog, we just didn't. A couple of kids later, the same changes were made, because we didn't have a choice. Life changes, and we became completely secondary to the upbringing of the kids. I can't even remember the entitlement to have control over my day, to focus on doing what I want to do. Just no longer my mentality.

Well, anyway, part of my Mothers Day gift was to see a movie. At a movie theatre. OK, you have to have a houseful of kids to get this one, but those of you that know understand that this is a privilege. I chose Spidey 3. Was very excited, enjoyed it immensely. Thought the sandman and the black unknown substance to be intriguing nemesis (nemesi?). Since both were played by white men, I had no reason to think about it on a different level. At the end, however, Spidey puts on his Blue and Red suit and happens to swing past the American Flag on his way to fight the Sandman and the Black creature. Now, the subtle irony in that struck me, when I spotted the flag. America beating the "sandman." Come on, I don't want to be that conspiracy sister, but, it distracted me for a moment.....

I had to cancel a book reading this weekend and was a little upset that I had to miss it. MY son had a pre collegiate sport thing. I want to further my dream but it is so minute compared to his. His future is so bright and in near reach, so I had to do my part. Like I said, I was a little sad about it, but I have to tuck that part away....