My daughters and I were at Target, affectionately known as Tar'get (Tar-sh-Jay), searching for summer dresses and jelly shoes. Just something light, cute and cheap, to last a couple of weeks, since the destroy most everything fairly quickly.
As we were walking in, a young girl and her man, I assume boyfriend and not husband by how he was openly staring and trying to make eye contact with me, walked in with babies in tow. I ignored him as I rounded up my mini crew and began heading past the 1 dollar items into the store. Of course, I never get past the 1 dollar section and this time I paused to pick up cute girlie sunglasses. One of the babies was playing with the cart and stressed out momma was trying to peel another child from her hip. Exasperated she pointed her finger at one child, "get on the other side of the cart," then to the other she said, "stop playing, mover over." As the cart swung around she pointed to her "man" and said "GET HIm, STOP HIM FROM MOVING THE CART."
Now, her request was harmless enough. The child was going to wipe out half of the people entering the store with the cart. But, in that split instant, she lost her man. Maybe not totally, maybe not completely, but something in him turned off. Her pointing finger, her authoritative tone. I caught it. She caught, because she attempted to lower her voice and nicely explain, "could you please get him. I need help."
IT was actually amazing to watch. But my watching may have caused the problem. At the second that she addressed him like a child, pointing and directing, I just happened to look up. He and I both looked at her, me with mild interest that she just ordered this 6'4" man around like a chump, and him with a look of confusion then complete disregard. Now, should he have been helping? Yep. Should she have had to request he pay attention and alleviate some of the chaos? No. But the ordering around of him, in front of strangers, in front of children, was obviously something that he wasn't going to tolerate. As she stuttered out a more polite explanation, he looked me dead in the eye. I looked back, waiting, wondering how he was going to respond. I should have looked away, pretended that I was oblivious to it. But I found myself captivated.
Then he turned on his heel and walked out of the store. Just like that. Finally, regaining some common sense, I pushed my daughters forward and kept walking, just like that. And the young girl tried to reign in her kids alone. Just like that.
It made me think of a lesson I learned, years ago. No matter what, they can always walk away. This life, trying to juggle motherhood, wifehood, bread earner but subservient, dependent, "respectful", but juggling it all - that is the real cross we bear. That is the unknown price woman in a relationship pay. And when we cross the line, or lose our temper, for just a second, they can tune us out, turn it off. And then we have the burden by ourselves. Rather than at least having that helping hand.
I wonder what she took from that. The young girl and her three kids. I wonder if she responded with fighting and pay back, harsh words and plotted revenge. OR if she folded in the pain, disappointment, anger, bit her tongue, and sensually talked him back into believing her inherent need of him. If she made the decision so many woman do, on a daily basis, after words drip from our lips and we watch them walk away, fading into oblivion.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Vote For ME
Hi Folks -
On last Thursday, I participated in a Spoken Word Competition on Blog Talk Radio. You can click here to listen to the show.
To specifically hear me, I perform at the 63rd minute of the show (drag the sound bar to 63 min).
So, please listen in. And, if you feel so inclined, please vote for me at www.apooo.org.
Luv
Aisha
On last Thursday, I participated in a Spoken Word Competition on Blog Talk Radio. You can click here to listen to the show.
To specifically hear me, I perform at the 63rd minute of the show (drag the sound bar to 63 min).
So, please listen in. And, if you feel so inclined, please vote for me at www.apooo.org.
Luv
Aisha
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Hillary Won
Hillary won, and I am so disappointed. I desperately wanted Obama to sweep it, so that someone will tell Hillary to go sit down somewhere. The Clintons have done more damage with this campaign than is humanly possible. A lifetime of goodwill flushed down the drain by her smear techniques and backhanded snide comments. Mrs. 109 million dollars commented in her acceptance speech tonight that Obama "spent" money in record amounts bombarding Pennsylvania, but the people of the state stood true and were heard by voting for her.
Really, Mrs. Clinton? How about Obama decimated what was predicted to be a state landslide , cutting your lead down to only an 8% lost? Do you know what that means, you only won by a little more than 150,000 votes. Thats it. The state was split: meaning you LOST a vast amount of supporters. Meaning your tactics are as transparent as the Republicans and your voting base is fleeing. Meaning at some point, you are going to have to muster up an ounce of dignity (some has to be left somewhere in the shrapnel of your life, you and Bill did do some good back in the day) acknowledge the incredible feat Obama has accomplished and focus on the good of the party, rather than the good of the financial backers you will probably be indebted to for life.
I am so bitter towards you, Hillary, because your behavior has been despicable. Because I fought for you, for your vision, for Bill's reputation, only to discover that you two are as self serving and single minded as the pundits reported.
You know, if you somehow undermine Obama enough to win, I won't vote for you. The Democrats will lose me. You will have singlehandedly bottomed out the Democratic party, prepping the presidency for McCain.
But then again, you and Bill have done this before. Staying the course on the Lewinsky scandal, instead of resigning and allowing Al Gore to be Vice President, and subsequently run as an incumbent, pretty much gave the Republicans the leeway they needed to manipulate Florida and steal the eleection. But, you and Bill would never think of stepping down, resigning, and sacrificing yourself for the greater good of the party or of your people, would you? Of course not. In fact your entire campaign is run on "being ready" and "answering that 3 am call." Veiled reminders of terror and fear, of 9-11 and war.
Hmmm, who does this remind me of? Oh yeah, the Republicans and Bush's wonderful manipulations of the public for the past 8 years. So congratulations, Mrs. Clinton. If nothing else, I know for sure that hobnobbing and politicking within the Republican Administration has certainly rubbed off on you....You are keeping up with the best of them.
Really, Mrs. Clinton? How about Obama decimated what was predicted to be a state landslide , cutting your lead down to only an 8% lost? Do you know what that means, you only won by a little more than 150,000 votes. Thats it. The state was split: meaning you LOST a vast amount of supporters. Meaning your tactics are as transparent as the Republicans and your voting base is fleeing. Meaning at some point, you are going to have to muster up an ounce of dignity (some has to be left somewhere in the shrapnel of your life, you and Bill did do some good back in the day) acknowledge the incredible feat Obama has accomplished and focus on the good of the party, rather than the good of the financial backers you will probably be indebted to for life.
I am so bitter towards you, Hillary, because your behavior has been despicable. Because I fought for you, for your vision, for Bill's reputation, only to discover that you two are as self serving and single minded as the pundits reported.
You know, if you somehow undermine Obama enough to win, I won't vote for you. The Democrats will lose me. You will have singlehandedly bottomed out the Democratic party, prepping the presidency for McCain.
But then again, you and Bill have done this before. Staying the course on the Lewinsky scandal, instead of resigning and allowing Al Gore to be Vice President, and subsequently run as an incumbent, pretty much gave the Republicans the leeway they needed to manipulate Florida and steal the eleection. But, you and Bill would never think of stepping down, resigning, and sacrificing yourself for the greater good of the party or of your people, would you? Of course not. In fact your entire campaign is run on "being ready" and "answering that 3 am call." Veiled reminders of terror and fear, of 9-11 and war.
Hmmm, who does this remind me of? Oh yeah, the Republicans and Bush's wonderful manipulations of the public for the past 8 years. So congratulations, Mrs. Clinton. If nothing else, I know for sure that hobnobbing and politicking within the Republican Administration has certainly rubbed off on you....You are keeping up with the best of them.
Virtual Spoken Word Shocase
Hi Fam - Please listen in to the Showcase below and, if you vote for me, I will greatly appreciate it!!!
VIRTUAL SPOKEN WORD SHOWCASEHOSTED BY APOOO Books and Urban Echoes Entertainment, LLC
THURSDAY, APRIL 24TH, 2008
8:00 PM – 9:30 PM EST
Come Out and Jam Your Poetry!
Win CASH Prizes!
$100--GRAND PRIZE!
Listeners Will Vote for Their Favorite Spoken Word Rendition!
Voting Will Occur Between April 24th, 2008 - May 2nd, 2008!
Please Join Us and Spread the Word!
For More Information, Contact Yasmin Coleman at apooo4u@yahoo.com
Spoken Word Artists:*
Stylicia Bowden
Nanette Buchanan
Shaunteka Curry
DuEwa
Ebony Farashuu
Alvin Lloyd Alexander Horn
Marc Lacy
Marina
Mikaylah Simone
Aisha Moore (a. Kai)
Aisha Moore (a. Kai)
Pam Osbey
Julia Press Simmons
Keith
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Today's Featured Poet
In Celebration of National Poetry Month, I am the featured poet on A Place of Our Own (APOOO)'s National Poetry Tribute.
Visit the tribute at www.apooo.org!!
Visit the tribute at www.apooo.org!!
{APRIL IS NATIONAL POETRY MONTH.
Join APOOO as we salute poets of yesterday and today.
DAY 18--Do You Know This Poet?--Her collection of work can be found in the Discover Kai Poetry Collection, consisting of Cherished Beginnings, Intimate Musings, Peaceful Resolution and Internal Indulgences. She is a contributing poet to Step Up to the Mic: A Poetic Explosion (Xpress Yourself Publishing) and Word Speak Networks 2007 anthology. Additionally, her poetry has been featured in Essence Magazine and The Write Vibe as well as numerous websites and journals. She was a RAWSISTAZ featured poet in April 2007.
CLICK HERE to read more.
yasmin
Subscribe to APOOO News Today!}
The Bumble Bee
I spotted a bumble bee today. A huge fat bumble bee sailing easily through the air, bouncing from bloom to bloom. And I breathed a sigh of relief.
Of all the things that I have to worry about, I know this shouldn't have been the top priority. But it was. I was worried about the bees. Terrified actually, about the bees. About the lack of them.
I first noticed last spring, when a coworker had a cookout and it was completely uninterrupted by our nagging friends. A lifetime of swatting, running from, fussing at, attempting to kill bees, it suddenly occurred to me that I missed them. Like that relative you can't stand until you don't see him anymore. Until the option to see him is taken from you by deaths devastation. Thats when you realize that you truly loved them, even though they annoyed you in a never ending way, because they are no longer around for you to ever be upset with them again.
So, the rest of the summer went by, beeless. And my daughter, who had been stung the year before by the never ending swarm of bees around our yard in past years, asked, "what happened to our bumblebees mommy? I don't see any."
And I got a sick feeling in my stomach. What is happening in the world, or to our world, when lifelong constants begin to disappear? What does that mean in the overall scope of things? In every catastrophic movie it is the disappearance of little things that signal something huge is happening, changing, and it won't be good. With global warming, the war, the radiation that is making its way across the globe from our "Iraq strikes" of a few years ago, the damages cause by gas leaks in water and nuclear exposure in the air, our world is changing. And if the common things, like bees, began to be extinct, how far behind are we?
So, I have prayed for the return of our bees. Of normalcy. Of watching little girls be terrified, little boys swatting them away, the nostalgia of a good cookout complete with food, folks, flys and bees. A prayer that my kids will inherit memories that involve dandelions and "wishes," hopscotch and double dutch, good life when you can stare into a clean sky and spin yourself dizzy. Watching a pesky mosquito, squealing in delighted disgust at a huge spider web, pushing at a daddy long legs with a twig, luring ants out of an anthill with a piece of candy, spending unlimited hours in the evening and night trying to trap and release fireflies. Maybe it was just my childhood, but those were peaceful memories, good times. I don't want to have to show my grandkids pictures of bees, as some extinct past creature, something that they can't even conceive of. There is something simply sad about that notion.
So, I thanked God, today, for the sight of that one plump bumble bee...Maybe, just maybe, it signifies the return to normalcy.
Of all the things that I have to worry about, I know this shouldn't have been the top priority. But it was. I was worried about the bees. Terrified actually, about the bees. About the lack of them.
I first noticed last spring, when a coworker had a cookout and it was completely uninterrupted by our nagging friends. A lifetime of swatting, running from, fussing at, attempting to kill bees, it suddenly occurred to me that I missed them. Like that relative you can't stand until you don't see him anymore. Until the option to see him is taken from you by deaths devastation. Thats when you realize that you truly loved them, even though they annoyed you in a never ending way, because they are no longer around for you to ever be upset with them again.
So, the rest of the summer went by, beeless. And my daughter, who had been stung the year before by the never ending swarm of bees around our yard in past years, asked, "what happened to our bumblebees mommy? I don't see any."
And I got a sick feeling in my stomach. What is happening in the world, or to our world, when lifelong constants begin to disappear? What does that mean in the overall scope of things? In every catastrophic movie it is the disappearance of little things that signal something huge is happening, changing, and it won't be good. With global warming, the war, the radiation that is making its way across the globe from our "Iraq strikes" of a few years ago, the damages cause by gas leaks in water and nuclear exposure in the air, our world is changing. And if the common things, like bees, began to be extinct, how far behind are we?
So, I have prayed for the return of our bees. Of normalcy. Of watching little girls be terrified, little boys swatting them away, the nostalgia of a good cookout complete with food, folks, flys and bees. A prayer that my kids will inherit memories that involve dandelions and "wishes," hopscotch and double dutch, good life when you can stare into a clean sky and spin yourself dizzy. Watching a pesky mosquito, squealing in delighted disgust at a huge spider web, pushing at a daddy long legs with a twig, luring ants out of an anthill with a piece of candy, spending unlimited hours in the evening and night trying to trap and release fireflies. Maybe it was just my childhood, but those were peaceful memories, good times. I don't want to have to show my grandkids pictures of bees, as some extinct past creature, something that they can't even conceive of. There is something simply sad about that notion.
So, I thanked God, today, for the sight of that one plump bumble bee...Maybe, just maybe, it signifies the return to normalcy.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
The Tooth Fairy
I try to be a good mommy. Try to remember important dates, fix booboos, navigate the endless stream of chatter, cries and screams, train them on cleanliness and godliness, kindness and patience, discipline and love, hug and kiss, confirm and reaffirm, encourage gifts, point out talents, expand their experiences, involve them in sports and music and the arts as well as educate them......ON AND ON AND ON
But, there is one thing I keep forgetting - The Tooth Fairy.
The dag on Tooth fairy. Come on, can a parent get a break. My daughter lost her front tooth. thankfully , the babysitter pulled it out (cuz I am squeamish about that type of stuff). But when I got home she had a golden smile on her bright face and a new, highly anticipated and well deserved, spacious gap. Adorable. I kissed her and we wrapped up the tooth, sealed it in an envelope and put it under her pillow. And she went on and on and on about her tooth and the tooth fairy and a million and one questions. To which I nodded my head as I trudged through our nightly routine.
I tucked in kids, washed dishes, cleaned up the kitchen and family room. then I loaded clothes into the washer and dryer. Finally, i ate dinner. sighed. took a breath. willed my body out of the seat to the computer to finish a book review and a submission that were due. Around 2 oclock, i did one of my many nightly house checks. I finally passed out about 3 am
At 7 am I heard cries. within minutes my eldest daughter stood over me, her young voice assuming an authoritative but quiet tone, like when someone is announcing there has been a death. "Mommy. Mommy."
"huh?" i couldn't quite get my eyes open yet, and my daughter was so close to my face that she appeared to be a blur.
"Mommy, the tooth fairy forgot all about Lauren. She just didn't come. And Lauren is so upset."
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
I rolled frantically out of bed. how could I have made this mistake. Oh my goodness. When I got to her room she was completely devastated. I tried a "oh she will come tonight" tactic, which my older daughter quickly ruined.
"No, mommy. the tooth fairy came to me the same night. it has to be the same night or not at all."
Biting my tongue and being careful not to roll my eyes or glare at her in frustration, i convinced Lauren to go wash her face and brush her teeth while my other daughter rubbed her back. I calmly walked to my room, closed the door and tore through my closet looking for money. Tucking it in my hand, i darted back to her room (unseen by her and, thank god, my oldest daughter). I slid the 5 dollar bill in her pillow case.
head down, chest vibrating hiccups of sadness, Lauren walked slowly back into the room, her shoulders slumped in defeat.
"did you check your bed?" i asked
"Yes! Yes! Yes! She forgot me..."
"I just have never seen that happen before?" I sighed, hand to my chin. "Lets check everything once again, ok"
Both girls tore the bed apart.
"I know what we forgot." I snapped my fingers, a look of complete surprise coming over my face. "Sometimes, the tooth fairy will put her gift inside the pillow case. You know, for those wild sleepers who move their pillows around at night."
hope dawned and spread like sunshine. Four big round eyes stared at me as if given a second chance. They shook all the pillows and finally, at last, the five dollar bill floated easily onto the bed and both girls yipped for joy. The smiles I got that morning were worth my entire life.
A crisis avoided.
Until this morning, when I had to do the entire charade again (this time hiding the money inside a book she keeps under her pillow) after I forgot to make my deposit last night and she and her sister awoke at the crack of dawn today....
the tooth fairy is ruining my life!!
But, there is one thing I keep forgetting - The Tooth Fairy.
The dag on Tooth fairy. Come on, can a parent get a break. My daughter lost her front tooth. thankfully , the babysitter pulled it out (cuz I am squeamish about that type of stuff). But when I got home she had a golden smile on her bright face and a new, highly anticipated and well deserved, spacious gap. Adorable. I kissed her and we wrapped up the tooth, sealed it in an envelope and put it under her pillow. And she went on and on and on about her tooth and the tooth fairy and a million and one questions. To which I nodded my head as I trudged through our nightly routine.
I tucked in kids, washed dishes, cleaned up the kitchen and family room. then I loaded clothes into the washer and dryer. Finally, i ate dinner. sighed. took a breath. willed my body out of the seat to the computer to finish a book review and a submission that were due. Around 2 oclock, i did one of my many nightly house checks. I finally passed out about 3 am
At 7 am I heard cries. within minutes my eldest daughter stood over me, her young voice assuming an authoritative but quiet tone, like when someone is announcing there has been a death. "Mommy. Mommy."
"huh?" i couldn't quite get my eyes open yet, and my daughter was so close to my face that she appeared to be a blur.
"Mommy, the tooth fairy forgot all about Lauren. She just didn't come. And Lauren is so upset."
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
I rolled frantically out of bed. how could I have made this mistake. Oh my goodness. When I got to her room she was completely devastated. I tried a "oh she will come tonight" tactic, which my older daughter quickly ruined.
"No, mommy. the tooth fairy came to me the same night. it has to be the same night or not at all."
Biting my tongue and being careful not to roll my eyes or glare at her in frustration, i convinced Lauren to go wash her face and brush her teeth while my other daughter rubbed her back. I calmly walked to my room, closed the door and tore through my closet looking for money. Tucking it in my hand, i darted back to her room (unseen by her and, thank god, my oldest daughter). I slid the 5 dollar bill in her pillow case.
head down, chest vibrating hiccups of sadness, Lauren walked slowly back into the room, her shoulders slumped in defeat.
"did you check your bed?" i asked
"Yes! Yes! Yes! She forgot me..."
"I just have never seen that happen before?" I sighed, hand to my chin. "Lets check everything once again, ok"
Both girls tore the bed apart.
"I know what we forgot." I snapped my fingers, a look of complete surprise coming over my face. "Sometimes, the tooth fairy will put her gift inside the pillow case. You know, for those wild sleepers who move their pillows around at night."
hope dawned and spread like sunshine. Four big round eyes stared at me as if given a second chance. They shook all the pillows and finally, at last, the five dollar bill floated easily onto the bed and both girls yipped for joy. The smiles I got that morning were worth my entire life.
A crisis avoided.
Until this morning, when I had to do the entire charade again (this time hiding the money inside a book she keeps under her pillow) after I forgot to make my deposit last night and she and her sister awoke at the crack of dawn today....
the tooth fairy is ruining my life!!
Sunday, April 13, 2008
shades of love
How deep does love have to be for it to count? To matter. To be enough for two people. To last. I have been thinking about this for several days now. What really is love. Is it a deep concerned caring? Yes. Is it a strong emotional pull for someone? Yes. What if it is dependent on what someone does for you? If he demonstrates his love by jumping over a million hoops, then does my decision to keep him, or to succomb to him constituates love?
But here is the issue. I talk to people and the love they describes sounds like every day love - like I love my new shoes. Or like I love curling up with a good science fiction book on a Sunday with nothing else to do. Like I love Outback Steakhouse, or watching a good basketball game. And it depressed me - don't they want real love?
When I talk about love, I am speaking about intimacy. About that deep seeded spiritual bond, developed from overwhelming infatuation, mind stimulation and unbelievable physical satisfaction. That - can't breathe without him, my mind is blown away- type of love. Not that it lasts forever. Because its not supposed to. But that deep searing, scorching love makes this whole relationship thing worth it, right? Isn't that why you see couples break up and come back together? because that experience was so rare and so confounding that they try to rekindle it, hold on to it, even just come close to it.
What happens when love becomes - functional. I have been here. My husband and I, when we were dating, plunged into that high, all consuming, insatiable love thing. When we finally came up for air, life smacked us dead in the face. Actually sucked the spirit out of us. So, something so incredible was followed by a "lust drought" for lack of a better term. The nonstop intimacy became replaced with the mundane aspect of life, fading into functionality, squeezing in somewhere between dinner dishes and early mornign sunrise.
Gone was the creativity, the experimentation, the all inclusive desire. For a longwhile. And, although we loved each other, we didn't feel in love. My husband walked away. And, after awhile, my heart let him go.
But, the thing about that burning, drenching lustful love is that it leaves residue. An unextinguishable longing to taste it one mo gain. And so we come back to marriage, come back to the attempt to rekindle the spark, to be kind and gentle and loving to one another. To fall in love again.
There must be different shades of love. There is no other answer. And, if so, what shade do most relationships reside? Does everyone have that deep mindblowing thing, and then settle into something a little less dangerous, a little more routine, but th glue ios the memory and the attempt to respark it? Or do some couples begin at functionality. At perfunctorily polite, politically correct, financially compaitble? I imagine these relationships have a different rhythm, maybe the hot fire thing isn't necessary to bond. Maybe the reliability of continuity is enough to be satisfying.
When talking to others, I have decided to listen more to their description of love, their desire of love. I can't ascertain whether one is in love, until I know thier definition of love. And I wish love to those whom I care about, even if it is not a love that can satisfy my needs, I pray that it can completely satiate their personal needs.
But where do you go when the love you start out with begins at the middle mark? What happens to relationship then...
But here is the issue. I talk to people and the love they describes sounds like every day love - like I love my new shoes. Or like I love curling up with a good science fiction book on a Sunday with nothing else to do. Like I love Outback Steakhouse, or watching a good basketball game. And it depressed me - don't they want real love?
When I talk about love, I am speaking about intimacy. About that deep seeded spiritual bond, developed from overwhelming infatuation, mind stimulation and unbelievable physical satisfaction. That - can't breathe without him, my mind is blown away- type of love. Not that it lasts forever. Because its not supposed to. But that deep searing, scorching love makes this whole relationship thing worth it, right? Isn't that why you see couples break up and come back together? because that experience was so rare and so confounding that they try to rekindle it, hold on to it, even just come close to it.
What happens when love becomes - functional. I have been here. My husband and I, when we were dating, plunged into that high, all consuming, insatiable love thing. When we finally came up for air, life smacked us dead in the face. Actually sucked the spirit out of us. So, something so incredible was followed by a "lust drought" for lack of a better term. The nonstop intimacy became replaced with the mundane aspect of life, fading into functionality, squeezing in somewhere between dinner dishes and early mornign sunrise.
Gone was the creativity, the experimentation, the all inclusive desire. For a longwhile. And, although we loved each other, we didn't feel in love. My husband walked away. And, after awhile, my heart let him go.
But, the thing about that burning, drenching lustful love is that it leaves residue. An unextinguishable longing to taste it one mo gain. And so we come back to marriage, come back to the attempt to rekindle the spark, to be kind and gentle and loving to one another. To fall in love again.
There must be different shades of love. There is no other answer. And, if so, what shade do most relationships reside? Does everyone have that deep mindblowing thing, and then settle into something a little less dangerous, a little more routine, but th glue ios the memory and the attempt to respark it? Or do some couples begin at functionality. At perfunctorily polite, politically correct, financially compaitble? I imagine these relationships have a different rhythm, maybe the hot fire thing isn't necessary to bond. Maybe the reliability of continuity is enough to be satisfying.
When talking to others, I have decided to listen more to their description of love, their desire of love. I can't ascertain whether one is in love, until I know thier definition of love. And I wish love to those whom I care about, even if it is not a love that can satisfy my needs, I pray that it can completely satiate their personal needs.
But where do you go when the love you start out with begins at the middle mark? What happens to relationship then...
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Feelings?
A few weeks ago my coworker and I were talking about life, men, women, and a host of nonwork related subjects. As we swapped stories, he heard mine about a potential love lost and he blinked. I rambled on, about being confused by my "friends" overture toward me, his openness, his willingness and then stunned...better yet, hurt, by his sudden rejection. "Isn't it obvious," he asked, "you hurt his feelings."
And I blinked ad sat there for a moment, trying to absorb that. I hurt HIS feelings. The truth of it is , I probably did. Now that I have a son, I am aware, for the first time ever in my life, that men have feelings. Now, I know this isn't a revelation for most people, but the more I think about it the more I realize that, for the better part of my life, I didn't think men had feelings.
Let me back up. I know they have survival feelings. Surely, there is anger, sorrow, lust, etc...But I am talking about the deeper, more intricate, delicate feelings. Like loving a woman without having sex with her. Simply fallin in love with the way she smiles or talks. Noticing the sun, or the trees on a perfect day. I guess I am not used to the concept that by not speaking on one event, a man would be affected. Or that my decision to not call would make him upset.
The simple subtle things, I always thought men didn't care about. I didn't grow up with a male in my household, so the day to day understanding is obviously a little sketchy. Plus, all the men in my upbrining were distant. Cold. Emotionally removed. And a girl - woman defines themselves, on so many levels by the men in their lives.
The truth is, I discounted my male friends emotions when dealing with my own. And now I sit back and think about all the pain it is just occurring to me that I probably caused! That I obviously caused. That I never even considered before...
And I blinked ad sat there for a moment, trying to absorb that. I hurt HIS feelings. The truth of it is , I probably did. Now that I have a son, I am aware, for the first time ever in my life, that men have feelings. Now, I know this isn't a revelation for most people, but the more I think about it the more I realize that, for the better part of my life, I didn't think men had feelings.
Let me back up. I know they have survival feelings. Surely, there is anger, sorrow, lust, etc...But I am talking about the deeper, more intricate, delicate feelings. Like loving a woman without having sex with her. Simply fallin in love with the way she smiles or talks. Noticing the sun, or the trees on a perfect day. I guess I am not used to the concept that by not speaking on one event, a man would be affected. Or that my decision to not call would make him upset.
The simple subtle things, I always thought men didn't care about. I didn't grow up with a male in my household, so the day to day understanding is obviously a little sketchy. Plus, all the men in my upbrining were distant. Cold. Emotionally removed. And a girl - woman defines themselves, on so many levels by the men in their lives.
The truth is, I discounted my male friends emotions when dealing with my own. And now I sit back and think about all the pain it is just occurring to me that I probably caused! That I obviously caused. That I never even considered before...
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