Damaged Goods

I wonder why the lastest incident always brings up the first. I know, that wasn't very clear. I guess I was referring to a quote Valerie Wilson Wesley's character, Tamara Hayle, often quoted. The last death always brings up the first. For me, lately, that last painful event is taking me down memory lane, to some painful child hood stuff. I was trying to flesh out Lani's character and the pain she encountered that caused her to search for a better life. She is the wife of the main character in Life-The Series. So, while I was trying to feel her pain, I tapped into a whole terrible childhood experience that I had thought was forgotten. It came back crystal clear, like watching a horror flick. And I didn't know what to do with it, because it is one of the many "we dont talk about them now that we are righteous" incidents from the past.

I posted a poem about it named Don't Say a Word. To tell you the truth, I felt a lot better after publishing the poem, as if the pain of it all was released. But it is incredible, recalling my past through adult eyes. I can't imagine some of the situations. I'm not tryin to pass judgement and I understand that each person is different, but what were my parents thinking. Really!! I mean, there are so many situations that I couldn't even imagine exposing my kids to, yet, there I was, right in the thick of things. Somehow, these two people created in me a sense of responsibility and protection that neither of them really practiced. Or was it just the life experiences and the pain itself, that has put in place those borders. I guess I'll never know.

One thing I know for certain, I was placed in many situations where adults view the child sadly, but subsequently writes him/her off. Damaged becuase of circumstances. He/she will never be able to make it because their mother...........Instead I grew strong, clear, more resolute, a little less gullible. So don't write kids off so easily, just because their parents are foolish or worse. You may be the one difference, the light in the mist, enabling them to tear through the tangled paths their parents weaved, into clarity and an uncomplicated existence....

Rules of Engagement

What are the rules of dating, engaging, interacting with that opposite sex? And how do we teach them to our little girls. This has been a big issue over the last two weeks as I have been the listening ear to one of my friends tumultuous relationships. It is the inspiration for rejected happiness - a result of continuous conversations about how my friend doesn't feel happy, the realtionship doesn't create happiness, he can't maintain happiness, etc...happiness, in that context, just seems so fleeting.

My girlfriend told me something yesterday, in response to my lecture about making her man wait, man up, step forward and pursue - rather than being babyed ad nauseum. She said, "my mother never told me anything about relationships.....I thought you kept a man by fulfilling his every need." That amazed me. That is not our call. Now don't get me wrong, when you want to take care of your man, there is nothin wrong with it. But when the relationship is completely one sided, you are giving and taking care of, and he is just taking, then something is wrong. My friend gave over and beyond. But, is it all his fault for being a taker or are we somewhat to blame, for enabling the dependant person, making him worse.....

I don't know - I don't have any answers. I watch hip hop videos and watch my mommas define their success by how much cha cha was dispensed for that bling and my heart hurts. I witness my girlfriend go thru this painful separation, holding on to an idea of a relationship, and my heart hurts. I try to even begin to explain the process of self preservation while exploring love to nieces, young girlfriends, daughters, and my heart hurts. Where do I begin?