No More Sex Tips From Me

So, I am done. Finished. I have decided to end writing erotica for the sake of erotica. It isn't who I am. It isn't what I am about. I wrote my first erotic short story as a dare, kinda a challenge to see if I was really bold enough to do it. Ya'll, the story was outrageous...I will still never fess up to it!!lol. That first time was hard, I swallowed with embarrassment when a publisher called and wanted to do something with it. I wondered how it would effect my life, my children, my reputation. I wondered what spiritual price I would pay for all the young underage girls and boys who had no business reading it, but somehow got their hands on it, and led to experimentation at a young age because of it. I wondered whether I would go to hell. I wondered how much responsibility was mine.

But nothing happened. Well, that's not true, folks wanted more. People requested I submit. While I had been struggling to get anyone to read my well researched, time consuming, mind bending inspirational young adult fantasy fiction, the erotica went to print without a blink of an eye. And the guilt felt less. In fact, I became numb to it. I read established authors sensual scenes and thought, with more arrogance than I'd like to admit, "hell, I could write that with my eyes closed."

And, on so many levels, that's just what I did.

I closed my eyes, shut off the "research and write" journey, and pumped out mindless screwing and relationship drama. Well, that's not actually true. The relationship angst is very real, the inner turmoil and struggle blatantly true. I fleshed out the characters, I loved them. I felt them. I hurt for them. I invested time and energy and emotion. I gave my novels 100% of my pain.

Of pain.

And then, just when I was finished my debut erotic novel, after the 12th sex scene, that every "sexual free" homegirl of mine blushed three shades after reading, something in me stirred. It just didn't feel quite right. Yeah, I can write the hell out of a love scene. But, that's not what I was called to write. And, in the end, after all the sexing and the pain, the resolutions weren't grounded in any type of faith or spiritual belief. Worldly problems, worldly solutions. And for that, I was convicted.

So, in the end, I don't even think it was the sex, per se, that was a problem. Well, that's not true either. My sex scenes go aaall the way there in a very intimate way. But I think the problem that I had was that I found myself jumping hurtles to avoid writing in spiritual matters - i didn't have my characters pray. I didn't demonstrate how faith changes things. I didn't write healing in marriage or relationship. In my work, the pain led to relationship death. And in my own life, God has shown me the opposite. There is forgiveness. There is renewal. There is replenishment. And I didn't put that in my novels.

I am taking a new approach. First, I am resuming my young adult fiction, both traditional and inspirational. I have hired an illustrator to finish the development of my childrens and middle reader chapter series. Those are priority. They were written years ago and ignored. Second, my adult fiction will be infused with my spiritual beliefs, rather than the obvious resolutions. While sex may be apart, it will not be blatant, can't let your momma read it, erotica. It will be relevant to the character's development - mistake - recovery.

It's a disservice to readers to not provide multidimensional reality. God changes things,even for"worldly" characters and situations. Karma is always there, the basics of the universe always apply. I literally rewrote scenes to take out blatant prayer and belief - why? Because I wanted to insure mainstream publishing. An easy way to jump on the main platform? And I could have continued. But three different events happened within 3days. God sent 3 clear messages. And I won't dare ignore Him.

What I didn't expect was the backlash. Fellow authors feel offended, they believe that I am judging them because I am changing my path. This, I simply don't understand. Also, I am being told that I can write it all, I just have to be true to me. But the truth is, most folks would be less likely to by a picture book for their daughter by the same person who is a nationally recognized erotica writer, just on G.P. alone. Don't agree? How well did Madonna's children's book do? huh? Yep, that's what i thought. Pen name, you suggest? Yeah, I had a pen name, but at the end of the day, I don't want to hide. I will use a pen name for "separation" of works, because readers expect a certain type of work from certain authors. But a pen because I am cloak and dagger sex writing is disingenuous...lawyer for the federal government, mommy, wifey and parent by day, luscious sex writer by night. I just don't want to do it that way.

And, at the end of the day, this is my journey. My struggle. My fight. My decision. I am not judging others and I still very much like writing scenes that are good (scenes that just won't see the light of day, lol). But I have to reconcile my writing with the life I want to lead and the seeds I want to plant. When my 16 year old son tells me all about the erotica stories the young girls at his high school read aloud during lunch, and how they were practicing giving head or taking it from the rear based on some character they read about, I want to be pretty confident that they aren't taking sex tips from me(pen name or not)....

So, for me, and me alone, this is the write, oops, right, decision.