So, I am done. Finished. I have decided to end writing erotica for the sake of erotica. It isn't who I am. It isn't what I am about. I wrote my first erotic short story as a dare, kinda a challenge to see if I was really bold enough to do it. Ya'll, the story was outrageous...I will still never fess up to it!!lol. That first time was hard, I swallowed with embarrassment when a publisher called and wanted to do something with it. I wondered how it would effect my life, my children, my reputation. I wondered what spiritual price I would pay for all the young underage girls and boys who had no business reading it, but somehow got their hands on it, and led to experimentation at a young age because of it. I wondered whether I would go to hell. I wondered how much responsibility was mine.
But nothing happened. Well, that's not true, folks wanted more. People requested I submit. While I had been struggling to get anyone to read my well researched, time consuming, mind bending inspirational young adult fantasy fiction, the erotica went to print without a blink of an eye. And the guilt felt less. In fact, I became numb to it. I read established authors sensual scenes and thought, with more arrogance than I'd like to admit, "hell, I could write that with my eyes closed."
And, on so many levels, that's just what I did.
I closed my eyes, shut off the "research and write" journey, and pumped out mindless screwing and relationship drama. Well, that's not actually true. The relationship angst is very real, the inner turmoil and struggle blatantly true. I fleshed out the characters, I loved them. I felt them. I hurt for them. I invested time and energy and emotion. I gave my novels 100% of my pain.
Of pain.
And then, just when I was finished my debut erotic novel, after the 12th sex scene, that every "sexual free" homegirl of mine blushed three shades after reading, something in me stirred. It just didn't feel quite right. Yeah, I can write the hell out of a love scene. But, that's not what I was called to write. And, in the end, after all the sexing and the pain, the resolutions weren't grounded in any type of faith or spiritual belief. Worldly problems, worldly solutions. And for that, I was convicted.
So, in the end, I don't even think it was the sex, per se, that was a problem. Well, that's not true either. My sex scenes go aaall the way there in a very intimate way. But I think the problem that I had was that I found myself jumping hurtles to avoid writing in spiritual matters - i didn't have my characters pray. I didn't demonstrate how faith changes things. I didn't write healing in marriage or relationship. In my work, the pain led to relationship death. And in my own life, God has shown me the opposite. There is forgiveness. There is renewal. There is replenishment. And I didn't put that in my novels.
I am taking a new approach. First, I am resuming my young adult fiction, both traditional and inspirational. I have hired an illustrator to finish the development of my childrens and middle reader chapter series. Those are priority. They were written years ago and ignored. Second, my adult fiction will be infused with my spiritual beliefs, rather than the obvious resolutions. While sex may be apart, it will not be blatant, can't let your momma read it, erotica. It will be relevant to the character's development - mistake - recovery.
It's a disservice to readers to not provide multidimensional reality. God changes things,even for"worldly" characters and situations. Karma is always there, the basics of the universe always apply. I literally rewrote scenes to take out blatant prayer and belief - why? Because I wanted to insure mainstream publishing. An easy way to jump on the main platform? And I could have continued. But three different events happened within 3days. God sent 3 clear messages. And I won't dare ignore Him.
What I didn't expect was the backlash. Fellow authors feel offended, they believe that I am judging them because I am changing my path. This, I simply don't understand. Also, I am being told that I can write it all, I just have to be true to me. But the truth is, most folks would be less likely to by a picture book for their daughter by the same person who is a nationally recognized erotica writer, just on G.P. alone. Don't agree? How well did Madonna's children's book do? huh? Yep, that's what i thought. Pen name, you suggest? Yeah, I had a pen name, but at the end of the day, I don't want to hide. I will use a pen name for "separation" of works, because readers expect a certain type of work from certain authors. But a pen because I am cloak and dagger sex writing is disingenuous...lawyer for the federal government, mommy, wifey and parent by day, luscious sex writer by night. I just don't want to do it that way.
And, at the end of the day, this is my journey. My struggle. My fight. My decision. I am not judging others and I still very much like writing scenes that are good (scenes that just won't see the light of day, lol). But I have to reconcile my writing with the life I want to lead and the seeds I want to plant. When my 16 year old son tells me all about the erotica stories the young girls at his high school read aloud during lunch, and how they were practicing giving head or taking it from the rear based on some character they read about, I want to be pretty confident that they aren't taking sex tips from me(pen name or not)....
So, for me, and me alone, this is the write, oops, right, decision.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Monday, November 10, 2008
24 Hour Reject
Today was a first. I received an agent rejection letter in less than 24 hours. Really, it was actually stunning. My luck with agents is nil, which is why I am putting an end to the search, but normally there is a request for more information, some sort of positive feedback. Or, if not, I will get a nice note - kind of a "not right now, but keep in touch" type of thing.
I got neither of those today.
I submitted a query to an agent who is up and coming. I researched her, read all the background articles on her accomplishments in the industry. She was apparently looking for the same genre as my manuscript. Anther good sign. I sealed up the query and sent it, figuring I wouldn't hear anything for a month or so. Enough time to steel my heart against the rejection and maybe have something else in the works.
But 24 hours?
There, in my inbox, was her response. And it was an automated, thanks but no thanks. I felt confused , somehow, stunned. Did rejection have to be so sudden and blunt. Geesh, its a pretty good manu, if I have to say so myself. And yes, I know rejection is part of the process, that's not my real gripe here. My gripe is that she read and responded within minutes. My work so resoundingly struck against anything she remotely wanted that she hit the "reject" response without even blinking. (No, I don't know any of this for a fact, but what else could it mean.)
Okay, so I am over analytical. My friend calls me hypersensitive. I call myself smartly cynical. Either way, all three of my anal tendencies slammed to an abrupt stop at the less than 24 hours response. What do you think, is it better for rejection to take a little time?
I got neither of those today.
I submitted a query to an agent who is up and coming. I researched her, read all the background articles on her accomplishments in the industry. She was apparently looking for the same genre as my manuscript. Anther good sign. I sealed up the query and sent it, figuring I wouldn't hear anything for a month or so. Enough time to steel my heart against the rejection and maybe have something else in the works.
But 24 hours?
There, in my inbox, was her response. And it was an automated, thanks but no thanks. I felt confused , somehow, stunned. Did rejection have to be so sudden and blunt. Geesh, its a pretty good manu, if I have to say so myself. And yes, I know rejection is part of the process, that's not my real gripe here. My gripe is that she read and responded within minutes. My work so resoundingly struck against anything she remotely wanted that she hit the "reject" response without even blinking. (No, I don't know any of this for a fact, but what else could it mean.)
Okay, so I am over analytical. My friend calls me hypersensitive. I call myself smartly cynical. Either way, all three of my anal tendencies slammed to an abrupt stop at the less than 24 hours response. What do you think, is it better for rejection to take a little time?
Thursday, November 06, 2008
Obama's Paid the Price
There is a price to be payed for greatness, a tremendous cost for change. Obama's courage and fortitude demonstrated strength under fire and challenged the masses to believe in chance. We heard him, were touched, moved, believed. Amazingly, the Unthinkable happened - and he is the President Elect. That accomplishment inspired the world, changed a nation and sealed our souls. What is the price to be paid and who carries the spiritual burden of such a tremendous inspiration? Unfortunately, the burden of greatness is high, the cost of having a calling can be painful. And it is a price Barack and Michelle have decided to carry on behalf of us all.
What makes Obama magnetic? The obvious humility. The pure belief in bettering the people, in healing a nation. A person who possesses that type of desire for the common good is NOT the same personality type who fancies himself president. The ambition and drive to become President is better suited for an arrogant type, for a person who has been groomed for the title, for the status of American royalty. Barack was not groomed by the establishment.
Additionally, it is obvious that the Obamas love each other, enjoy each other, are invested in the idea of family and unity. Running for this office put Barack on the road for close to two years. That is month after month after month of traveling the country, touching base with his family only by phone, seeing his wife intermittently. That means trying to keep a family together despite never ending criticism, never ending scrutiny, never ending ridicule and never ending hate. This was exactly opposite of where he and Michelle would ideally want to be. Now, as the President, their remnant of privacy will disappear, the safety of their precious family is more at stack.
And being President is less financially rewarding than the life he and Michelle could have led without this Presidential "stuff." Between the book deals, being Senator, and Michelle's "Claire Huxtableness," the Obama's were alright. They could have been comfortable millionaires, sending their kids to private school, living the privileged life, cutting a check at Thanksgiving and Christmas, paying face time to community service. It was theirs to claim. And they put it all aside in an effort to make a change.
They believed in change.
And their belief changed a group, which changed a town, which changed a city, which changed a state, which changed a country, which changed the world.
They changed the world.
And they made the sacrifice. They gave it all up to do what was right, step into the calling that was supernaturally prepared for them. They sacrificed. They paid the price. And they will continue to pay the price, as the stress of the office presses upon them and their family.
We have to remember, in all of our celebrating, to hold them up in prayer, to offer up our support, to contribute in any. We owe it to them to meet their challenge, to think a little less about self and a little more about uplifting the community. We owe it to them, for the joy they gave us, for the spiritual salve they placed over our generational wounds, for the future light they sparked in our children, to help in anyway possible.
We owe it to them to make their sacrifice worth it.
What makes Obama magnetic? The obvious humility. The pure belief in bettering the people, in healing a nation. A person who possesses that type of desire for the common good is NOT the same personality type who fancies himself president. The ambition and drive to become President is better suited for an arrogant type, for a person who has been groomed for the title, for the status of American royalty. Barack was not groomed by the establishment.
Additionally, it is obvious that the Obamas love each other, enjoy each other, are invested in the idea of family and unity. Running for this office put Barack on the road for close to two years. That is month after month after month of traveling the country, touching base with his family only by phone, seeing his wife intermittently. That means trying to keep a family together despite never ending criticism, never ending scrutiny, never ending ridicule and never ending hate. This was exactly opposite of where he and Michelle would ideally want to be. Now, as the President, their remnant of privacy will disappear, the safety of their precious family is more at stack.
And being President is less financially rewarding than the life he and Michelle could have led without this Presidential "stuff." Between the book deals, being Senator, and Michelle's "Claire Huxtableness," the Obama's were alright. They could have been comfortable millionaires, sending their kids to private school, living the privileged life, cutting a check at Thanksgiving and Christmas, paying face time to community service. It was theirs to claim. And they put it all aside in an effort to make a change.
They believed in change.
And their belief changed a group, which changed a town, which changed a city, which changed a state, which changed a country, which changed the world.
They changed the world.
And they made the sacrifice. They gave it all up to do what was right, step into the calling that was supernaturally prepared for them. They sacrificed. They paid the price. And they will continue to pay the price, as the stress of the office presses upon them and their family.
We have to remember, in all of our celebrating, to hold them up in prayer, to offer up our support, to contribute in any. We owe it to them to meet their challenge, to think a little less about self and a little more about uplifting the community. We owe it to them, for the joy they gave us, for the spiritual salve they placed over our generational wounds, for the future light they sparked in our children, to help in anyway possible.
We owe it to them to make their sacrifice worth it.
Monday, November 03, 2008
Change Has Come
Last week my son called me at work. It was a 1pm call - either he needed something, or something was seriously wrong. I picked up the phone on the second ring.
"Hey, baby. You okay?" I held my breath, waiting for the reassurance he has given me time and time again.
"Hey Mom. I'm good," he chuckled, his new man voice surprising me, yet again.
I sighed in relief and tucked the receiver against my neck. "Good. Wassup?"
"I just wanted to tell you, " he paused, and I could hear people all around him. "I voted today."
And my heart stopped. And my eyes watered. And my baby boy made me proud.
He has listened to countless lessons about the path to vote, the deaths and pain and lynchings and catastrophes, the dehumanizing conditions to deny the vote. I dragged him to the polls with me as soon as he was able to comprehend. But you never know if it sticks, if the lessons you spent hours sharing actually matter. Now he is at Ohio U, living the football player's dream. It was possible that home and our values could fade into the back drop.
But they didn't. He voted. And his first phone call was to me. And you know what else he said?
"Ma, just think about it. The first time I ever get to vote for a president and its for a black man."
Imagine that. Can you believe that? What world do we live in where something so impossible has now become the spine of my belief, the one resounding hope that America is still the country that I love, that MY family has defended and built over the past 400 years? A black man is running for president.
But, here is the beauty. He ain't just a black man. Would I feel this way if Jesse had stopped his grumbling and pouting and joined the fray? What about Michael Eric Dyson, or someone equally credible. Would my heart stop every time they spoke, would I pray as diligently for their family. Would they have so completely captured me?
That is the beauty of Barack Hussein Obama. He possesses a magnetic poise, a strong internal calm, that makes him more than an intelligent black man running for president. It makes him a leader of leaders. It makes his calling undeniable, his uniqueness magnified. Obama inspires me to be better. Do you know how rare that is, to hear a stranger speak and want to meet his expectations, rise to his level of dignity and poise? That is what he does for me.
Michael Baisden made a dynamic point a few days back, after watching the DL Hughley first show catastrophe on CNN. Michael decided he wasn't going to blow the brother up or attempt to harm his credibility or his platform. Michael said that watching Obama taught him how to administer his opinion without trying to destroy the man's opportunity, to challenge D.L. to be better without ruining the wonderful having a CNN platform. And I understood him.
Obama makes me want to be better. He makes me want to focus on changing the here and now, on working toward a real future. He challenges the masses to be intelligent, to be respected, to expect to be treated equal, to expect to be heard.
I understand why Michelle seemed so hesitant in the beginning. Would you want to risk that wonderful gem of a man to the world? Would you want to open your arms and allow the vileness that we are now watching spew forth from the Republican party taint the beautiful creature that is your husband and your children's father. Undoubtedly, she knew what we are now learning, that Barack is special, and she knows how much is at stake, is at risk.
Please, people, understand that they didn't have to do this. They didn't have to risk this. They didn't have to look at the fate of the Shabazz family and the King legacy and take the chance of walking in those footsteps. They could have silently affected change, living the privileged dream. But they stepped forward and put a face to change, a face to belief.
DO you understand that there will be no defeat tomorrow? I want him to win, I desperately hope he wins, but if not, do you know how many dreams were born, how many seeds were planted, how many minds were changed because Michelle and Barack trusted in God and stepped forward by faith? Can you fathom the interracial child of the next generation who no longer feels out of pocket, the brown black girl who sees Michelle's unequivocal beauty being appraised by an adoring husband, the white little boy who realizes that African Americans are more than a hip hop video. Barack and Michelle have put a face on an idea that no one could really grasp before. What a remarkable thing.
AND, although McCain's camp has been acting fool, please let me repeat a point Michael Basiden made today. White America stepped forward and supported a black man for president. Think what you want, but with only 13% of the population, black folks did not get Obama this far. No matter how you try to fool yourself, it wasn't all us. Not even close.
Tell the truth - did you ever think he would get this far? Were you like me, who thought he was cute, ambitious, and just throwing a lil kink in Hillary's game, because the race was hers to lose? Then, Iowa happened. He actually won. And I thought - a state of white folks voted for him? Who is this brother? I know I wasn't the only one. Tell the truth.
Then, regardless of liking Obama or not, Hillary started acting a fool. Actually, her tactics were worse than the crap the "Mavericks" are pulling now. In fact, the McCain party is running her rhetoric as I type this, on "robocalls" to the public, because her hateful speech was so poisonous. I was so disheartened, in fact I was downright hurt, I believed in the Clinton's in an unprecedented way. But, Obama never blinked an eye, never lost his composure, never tripped over himself. And, against her hateful fire, he began to gleam - the leader in him strongly emerging.
But please just think about this point - whether he wins or loses, America has changed. White America, in the millions, looked past color and saw him as a leader. And voted for him. Think about that. Black folks, who were the least likely to support him in light of their everlasting love of Bill, dropped the heavy banner of self doubt and stepped forward into the light. Barack and Michelle have affected change, more than most of use can say in a life time. And that change has finally come...
"Hey, baby. You okay?" I held my breath, waiting for the reassurance he has given me time and time again.
"Hey Mom. I'm good," he chuckled, his new man voice surprising me, yet again.
I sighed in relief and tucked the receiver against my neck. "Good. Wassup?"
"I just wanted to tell you, " he paused, and I could hear people all around him. "I voted today."
And my heart stopped. And my eyes watered. And my baby boy made me proud.
He has listened to countless lessons about the path to vote, the deaths and pain and lynchings and catastrophes, the dehumanizing conditions to deny the vote. I dragged him to the polls with me as soon as he was able to comprehend. But you never know if it sticks, if the lessons you spent hours sharing actually matter. Now he is at Ohio U, living the football player's dream. It was possible that home and our values could fade into the back drop.
But they didn't. He voted. And his first phone call was to me. And you know what else he said?
"Ma, just think about it. The first time I ever get to vote for a president and its for a black man."
Imagine that. Can you believe that? What world do we live in where something so impossible has now become the spine of my belief, the one resounding hope that America is still the country that I love, that MY family has defended and built over the past 400 years? A black man is running for president.
But, here is the beauty. He ain't just a black man. Would I feel this way if Jesse had stopped his grumbling and pouting and joined the fray? What about Michael Eric Dyson, or someone equally credible. Would my heart stop every time they spoke, would I pray as diligently for their family. Would they have so completely captured me?
That is the beauty of Barack Hussein Obama. He possesses a magnetic poise, a strong internal calm, that makes him more than an intelligent black man running for president. It makes him a leader of leaders. It makes his calling undeniable, his uniqueness magnified. Obama inspires me to be better. Do you know how rare that is, to hear a stranger speak and want to meet his expectations, rise to his level of dignity and poise? That is what he does for me.
Michael Baisden made a dynamic point a few days back, after watching the DL Hughley first show catastrophe on CNN. Michael decided he wasn't going to blow the brother up or attempt to harm his credibility or his platform. Michael said that watching Obama taught him how to administer his opinion without trying to destroy the man's opportunity, to challenge D.L. to be better without ruining the wonderful having a CNN platform. And I understood him.
Obama makes me want to be better. He makes me want to focus on changing the here and now, on working toward a real future. He challenges the masses to be intelligent, to be respected, to expect to be treated equal, to expect to be heard.
I understand why Michelle seemed so hesitant in the beginning. Would you want to risk that wonderful gem of a man to the world? Would you want to open your arms and allow the vileness that we are now watching spew forth from the Republican party taint the beautiful creature that is your husband and your children's father. Undoubtedly, she knew what we are now learning, that Barack is special, and she knows how much is at stake, is at risk.
Please, people, understand that they didn't have to do this. They didn't have to risk this. They didn't have to look at the fate of the Shabazz family and the King legacy and take the chance of walking in those footsteps. They could have silently affected change, living the privileged dream. But they stepped forward and put a face to change, a face to belief.
DO you understand that there will be no defeat tomorrow? I want him to win, I desperately hope he wins, but if not, do you know how many dreams were born, how many seeds were planted, how many minds were changed because Michelle and Barack trusted in God and stepped forward by faith? Can you fathom the interracial child of the next generation who no longer feels out of pocket, the brown black girl who sees Michelle's unequivocal beauty being appraised by an adoring husband, the white little boy who realizes that African Americans are more than a hip hop video. Barack and Michelle have put a face on an idea that no one could really grasp before. What a remarkable thing.
AND, although McCain's camp has been acting fool, please let me repeat a point Michael Basiden made today. White America stepped forward and supported a black man for president. Think what you want, but with only 13% of the population, black folks did not get Obama this far. No matter how you try to fool yourself, it wasn't all us. Not even close.
Tell the truth - did you ever think he would get this far? Were you like me, who thought he was cute, ambitious, and just throwing a lil kink in Hillary's game, because the race was hers to lose? Then, Iowa happened. He actually won. And I thought - a state of white folks voted for him? Who is this brother? I know I wasn't the only one. Tell the truth.
Then, regardless of liking Obama or not, Hillary started acting a fool. Actually, her tactics were worse than the crap the "Mavericks" are pulling now. In fact, the McCain party is running her rhetoric as I type this, on "robocalls" to the public, because her hateful speech was so poisonous. I was so disheartened, in fact I was downright hurt, I believed in the Clinton's in an unprecedented way. But, Obama never blinked an eye, never lost his composure, never tripped over himself. And, against her hateful fire, he began to gleam - the leader in him strongly emerging.
But please just think about this point - whether he wins or loses, America has changed. White America, in the millions, looked past color and saw him as a leader. And voted for him. Think about that. Black folks, who were the least likely to support him in light of their everlasting love of Bill, dropped the heavy banner of self doubt and stepped forward into the light. Barack and Michelle have affected change, more than most of use can say in a life time. And that change has finally come...
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