Veni, Vidi, Vici - Period!

It's very simple. I want my headstone to read "Veni, Vidi, Vici." And the period is the most vital. In fact, maybe the word should be spelled out. Yes, this is what I think about on Christmas Eve, my death. I am sorry about that, folks, if you need more Christmas reflection, then this ain't the post for you. Christmas normally has a way of seriously depressing me, although, as I write this, I am not depressed in the least. Rather, I am feeling somewhat reflective.

But I digress. Chisel it into stone. "Veni, Vidi, Vici." DO NOT FORGET THE PERIOD. I deserve no less. I Came, I Saw, I Conquered. Period. This life of mine has been a ride like most have never seen. Yet, I am still here. Still in good health, still pushing forward. I birthed four beautiful children, was blessed by God to raise an additional magnificent soul. I have seen the beauty in pureness, the miracle of God's seed. It's a rare blessing, the kind of experience that verifies, if there was any doubt, that He is Omniscient and beyond comprehension. The smile of a baby can warm the coldest soul, melt away the spiritual ice, and make you recall love only dreamt of. And I have felt it. I have lived it. I have had the honor, over and over and over again, to cherish it.

And I have lost. Lost plenty. Loved ones, finances, career dreams, bits and pieces of me. I lost some, others were stolen, a few were robbed of me. Yet, every morning, I find a reason to smile. And pray. And pray. And smile.

I have known loneliness that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I have had it wrap around the very essence of my core, whispering lies to my spirit like bread to an undernourished child. I feasted on self hate, self doubt, self loathing, just me and my loneliness. And it embittered me to the core, until suicidal thoughts danced daily through my mind, convincing me that everyone who had every known me would be better off if I saved them the shame, spared them the embarrassment, and removed myself from this realm.

Yet, I am still here.

I have been poor. Lettuce and tomato sandwiches for dinner for months, kind of poor. Rotating the same three pants and shirts kind of poor. Daddy won't pay a dime of child support while traveling the country and living on yachts kinda poor. Have no idea if we will eat today or tomorrow, and have noone to ask, kind of poor. But, poverty made me stronger. Better. Able to cope. Able to adjust.

Now, I am able to be poor with grace. So poverty no longer holds me hostage. Despite financial gain, I am able to live without expectation, to know that God will handle it, to have already seen His blessing in just my current day living. I have conquered it.

What brought this up? Well, you already know, if you read my posts, that most of my thinking is completely random.

This morning, on my way to work, I was listening to Jasmine Sullivan's "Bust The Windows Out Your Car." To me, she is like Lauryn Hill mixed with my favorite songstress of angst, Alanis Morrisette (although Alanis no longer sings from such a dark space). Alanis Morrisette's album Jagged Little Pill is still, to this day, the purest expression of woman pain I have ever heard. And then I realized, I haven't had to listen to that Alanis' album in some years. I haven't tapped into that space in some time. There are still gaps, memories I wish I could plug, spaces that I would like to fill, but I have already paved and caulked more holes than anyone person should have. And that made me feel good. Empowered.

Leading me to this simple conclusion. When it's all said and done, and my last day has dawned, I'm out. Two fingers, a peace sign and a nod. And I won't be looking back. I have already lived fully, loved hard and completely, and given the best of me, as much as I could. My seed is sprinkled on this earth, and from the roots of this tree, grounded in God, there will be flowering seeds for generations to come. He has promised me this. And while my projects may not be complete, and I am constantly trying new things, my life is complete and I, finally, am complete.

So, that is my last wish. Send me out with a period and no mourning phrases. Don't want no big show, could care less about all the drama. Tag me with three simple words to summarize a life beyond measure - Veni, Vidi, Vici. Period.