9/11

Well today is my birthday. Yep, I am a 9/11 baby. And birthday's haven't always been a big deal or a deal of any kind for me, but I always tried to wish myself a happy day and at least keep my spirits up. But 9/11 has made that impossible. I have reflected on that date before - shared with you how I was minutes from the White House when they vacated and then we could see the smoke from the Pentagon. More than the actual destruction was the realization that I was going to die and the helpessness that follows. My baby girl was three, my sone was 12.

So, I am glad and thankful to see another year. I thank God for my children, my husband, my marriage, my life. Our health. But these are things I pray about daily. I thank God that my oldest son is finding his way to manhood safely and heathily and devloping into someone that I am so proud of. But, again, this is a daily prayer.

So what makes this day different? Well, this day is harder for me because more memories unfold, more pain comein along with the joy.

Waiting for my father to pick me up and him never showing. Reminding him of this day and realizing, after having waited all day, that he wasn't coming. I am not angry or upset, but those experiences leave a deepseeded painful ache that stretches its muscle around this time. September was the worse month for a teacher's salary, my birthday fell right before the first pay. So, it was rarely celebrated beyond a card. Which made me sad every year, but I would fight it, be brave and smile and pretend everything was alrite.

So, I watch the memorial events and feel that depression, bringng me back to my own sad thoughts. But then I try ot stay happy and thankful. Making 9/11 a tumultuous day of joy and pain for me.....