Memorial Day

Fellow blogger Shai, at Drawn 2 Words, listed out loved ones that she is holding dear this Memorial day. I had tried to avoid it, but reading her site brought back so many memories. So this Memorial Day, I am going to hold a few family members close:

1. David. My dear dear grandfather. How I loved this man. He was the first person to give me complete regularity, complete calm in day to day normalness. Wash the towels every day, wake up at the crack of dawn, do the same exercise routine, 1/2 grapefruit, sliced toast, two raw eggs with a dash of cinnamon. Every day. I don't think his children had the benefit of the retired David, they knew the younger him. Depending on who you ask he was a hell raiser or a great person. But for me, he was my absolute baseline. He and I had a comfortable unspoken bond. The nurses aide told me that before he died he would point to the picture on the wall, me at 6 - the spitting image of my oldest daughter- and say - "that one there, that's my baby girl." And you know that Grandpa, I love you forever.

2. Annie. Annie Ophelia was as sweet as sugar. Soft spoken, always worrying, she would speak in such a light sweet voice. Her skin was as soft as velvet, her patience neverending. She only disciplined me once in life, and that was the saddest moment of my life. I felt so ashamed. AN only child who mothered 9, I inadvertently seemed to have followed into her parenting path (I don't have nine, but I have alot). I thank you Grandma, for all the love - pure, unconditional. For all the support. And I am so sorry for how you were treated in the end and for how much heartache you had to suffer.

3. Joseph. How can you be gone? How is that possible. Your ending was almost biblical, walking into a church - just gone, your empty frame lying on the steps. I am still devastated. Still try not to think about it,actually. Still remember you with your fro in cornrows, the electric guitar plugged into the wall, play the Funk along with the stereo. My last visit you confided in me, told me your hurts and regrets that will forever break my heart, but will forever remain between us. I miss you so much...

4. Teddy. It's odd that you passed away so long ago, and I am still confused that you are gone, that I haven't seen you in years, that someone so genuine would disappear so mysteriously. Uncle Jo and I talked about you when I last spoke to him. About the changes in your life that caused him to change. You were always so kind to me, and I never understood why. Anytime I was in town you would come get me, talk me all the way to the family house. I was so amazed at what you had accomplished and the life you led. We all looked up to you. Things have changed, the family is no longer the same. I am not as welcome anymore. Because of my own separation I attempted to reach out, and my intent was distorted, manipulated, negatively perceived. And I lost the easy bond that I had with your brothers, your family. But I still love them much, and I will always think of you...

5. Carolyn. For you, I probably shed the most tears. What a rare circumstance, what a rare life, what a rare opportunity to float along with a star before it exploded into infinity. It is unfair that you are not here, to see these wonderful grandchildren of yours. Your three children produced an amazing set of kids, your family has tripled itself. And there are pieces of you that my girls needed to see, needed to learn from someone who truly understood people and gave everyone a second chance, without judgement. I thought I had forever to be with you, fuss with you, pout around you, ask your advice, sit quietly and watch you. But the truth was, I only had a infinitesimal second. I miss you...

6. Kathy. I still can't deal with your death. I started to call you so many times this year, tell you something funny, or tell you about your nephew and your brothers. Midway through dialing I remembered, and my heart felt like it exploded. In fact, I was going to call you this past weekend to see if the girls could go to the beach with you again this summer, but then again, the realization clicked in, and my heart tore in two. Why are you gone?

So many death, so many others that I didn't list here. I will take time to remember them on this Memorial Day, and to thank God for each second of them, i was able to savor...