Gossips Negativity

I haven't written in a long while. Not only my journal, but my stories. I can't put my finger on it - the stories still play out in my head, but I have lost the discipline of removing myself and recording them. Is it possible that tomorrows novel is really seeping down the drain of never reached goals, cause I just had to watch three back to back episodes of Design on a Dime?

Its embarrassing, really, how much TV I have watched lately. But, true to form, I haven't watched any good stuff. No, without HBO Sunday night lockdown, I am like a child in a toy store. I run past all of the high end, high priced, high tech things and beg and cry for the $2.00 electronic toy that is bound to break before we get home. And as soon as I get it out of the wrapper, I really don't want it anymore. SO, I watch ESPN and HGTV. Wondering what happened to The Shield. And, in the meantime, two more characters who had a delicious love affair going on in my mind have begun to fade into oblivion.

I posted a poem today entitle Gossip. I think that is whats starting to sap my energy. I am ashamed to admit it, but I gotta tell the truth and shame the devil. I have been engaging in....gossip. I know. Its pathetic. The things is, its all work related (all my friends can sigh, i haven't spilled the beans). But the speculation and whispered dealings are taking their toll on me. I remember when I was in highschool and I didn't think twice about gossiping. In college, I was more inclined to keep folks business to myself, I think living with people allows you to sympathize more with their situation. But, here is the bad thing: after undergrad I became a full fledged gossiper. It was pretty bad. I mean, while someone was confiding in me, I was already looking ahead to when I shared the delicious news with the next person. When I caught myself, literally listening to someones every word with bated breath so I could rush out and repeat it, I felt soooooooo pathetic. Pathetic. No other word. Was that all I was, someone who enjoyed others demise and spread it around like Miracle Whip? Something deep in my spirit really convicted me

But here is the most telling part. For a while after, I had to ask people not to confide in me. If they started, I asked them to stop. BECAUSE I COULDN'T stop myself from gossiping. I had to go cold turkey. Now, isn't that ridiculous? But my self pride was at rock bottom as well, so I couldn't love anyone else enough to protect their secrets when I didn't love myself (did you catch that subtle Mary J. Blige hook in there?-No? How can I, love somebody else....)

SO anyway, after going cold turkey, i practiced. I would take in small bits of info, see if i could keep them to myself. I began to want people to do good, be good and not suffer. I didn't enjoy watching the trials of their lives. Then I began to wish they didn't have to suffer at all. And that feeling of - Hope, Mercy, I'm not sure what to call it, but it killed my desire to want to spread information that would hurt the ones I luv. Sometimes, in frustration, I will slip. I may discuss something in an attempt to help someone, or to make sure I am not crazy before I offer my advice. But, I really believe that's different, the malintent is certainly no longer there. I also learned to listen without giving my "advice." Sometimes folks just need to be heard, understood, AND NOT JUDGED. It took my being there to learn this feeling, but, if I am the person I strive to be, then I would hope I was able to be this type of listener for somebody.

But, at work recently, the malcontent is in the air. And while I don't disagree that some have the right to be angry, I find the daily discussions and reminiscing to be ....tiring. Useless. I feel like I am covered in some type of greasy residue that won't come off.

So, I have to let go, remove myself, and block my ears from the gossip I am facing at work. Maybe that will result in me returning to my own focus and eventually lifting a pen.