That Rat Race

AS I drove home tonight, I thought about the pursuit of success. For years I believed that if I just got this degree or received that acknowledgement, this job or that career, then I will have made it. I think that I always assumed that once I had the ideal six figure job, that was it. I had made it. I could chill, enjoy life, wait for all the good things to come. I didn't realize then that all the education, the studying, the suffering, the tight times, they were preparation for the next level. When I got the six figure job, it was the BEGINNING!!

The Beginning? I felt like Andre 3000 - forever, forever ever, forever ever? Suddenly, there was a higher level of expectation, a higher game of deceit, backstabbing, kill or be killed. And I was tired. Mentally exhausted. I had nothing left for the game, I had given it all on the climb to get there. I reached the mountain top breathless, with just enough energy to stand on the platform, before realizing that it was only the gate to the next level.

So, I walked away. And did alot of growing, alot of suffering. A great amount of indecision. But I survived. With my sanity. And now, as I prepare to reenter that rat race, I am trying to grasp what will be different this time. What will I do to keep myself grounded, to not lose myself in the hypocrisy of it all.

There are differences this time. More children - a larger family depending on me. A much deeper level of maturity, a much clearer understanding of who I am, what I am and am not willing to sacrifice. This time I am fully aware that the "attaining" is merely the starting line, I want to cross the finish line this time. I want to run the race, push myself, slow up and catch my breath, bare down and ride that second wind.

It is interesting, isn't it, that all of the work, the degrees, the politicking and networking, the hustle, all of it just gained me ACCESS. Nothing more.

I remember when they (politicians) discussed the need for affirmative action, or the lack of need, they argued that the past thirty years leveled the playing field. And someone, I can't remember who, pointed out that we might all be at the starting line, but the legacy of slavery, Jim Crow, segregation, were invisible shackles on are ankles. So while we(Americans) we are all lined up together, when that starting gun sounds, African Americans have to first pull and struggle to break their chains before actually running, and even then they are running with the shackles on.

I think I am finally snapping the shackles at that starting line, and it only took me 24 years of education and 33 years of life. Now, hopefully, I am strong enough to run and keep up, despite the heavy metal strapped to my ankles....