Dropped The Ball

Reflecting and realizing life is too short. Relationships must be cherished, not loosely discarded. Bonds must be strenghtened. I have dropped the ball on many loves in my life. I don't keep in touch with my family like I should, don't let them know how often I think about them. How much I miss them. Same with my girlfriends. My male friends. The silent loves of my life.

I discovered, about a year and a half ago, when I began posting, that I have this space inside of me in which all true emotions go. Kind of tlike a dark hole, or a vat. I feel for people, but never tell them. I want to help, but never say anything. I just seal my emotion inside that inner chamber and keep on rolling. On some level, I think I am afraid of emotion. So much happened in my child hood that I developed some type of resistant thing to actually touching my own emotion. I remember my son told me a few years agothat whenever he tried to hug me I would move back and when he would try to kiss me I would scrunch up my face. He said I didn't used to do it, only when he got older. I thought he was joking - adamantly denied it, so he demonstrated it right there on the spot. He puckered up and spread his arms and, reflexively, without even realizing it, I took three steps back, wrapped my arms around my body and scrunched up my face.

But for kids, we change. So I have worked that out. All my kids can squeeze, kiss, hug me now and I force my self to stand still and appear natural. BUt the question is, why do I have to force myself to do that? Why is that an overt action on my part. Similarly, I can go for weeks without thinking about my parents at all. Isn't that crazy? One of my best friends had surgery last week. It was the same type of surgery my father had over a year ago. I remember them telling me he needed surgery. I took in the information - then .....blank. Never thought of it again, until sitting in the hospital visiting my girlfirend. Then, the thought of my father slapped me upside the head. Oh shixxx, my father had this surgery! I wonder how it went? How is he doing? Did he have any problems healing? I probably need to call his wife. That's right, I meant to thank her for the gifts she sent the babies. Now when did she send them....last year? Have I really gone an entire year without sending her a thank you note? On and on and on, as if I had suddenly opened a vein and the memories and thoughts were gushing and gurgling through.

What causes that? And what are the ramifications? There are people who I keep in my normal emotional space, my kids, husband, friends, so on...But why does it taking puting pen to pad to remember some people, or some things, or events, or my childhood. I don't have the thousands of dollars necessary for a shrink to tell me, so , for now, I will just keep writing and posting...